"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet." - Juliet (or Mr. Shakespeare if you want to be technical)
Sure. Whatever you say crazy lady. You also stabbed yourself in the gut over some dude you'd only known for a few days and then secretly married him. Forgive me if I find your judgment a bit askew.
I love Romeo and Juliet, but I completely disagree with Juliet's famous balcony line above. I think names do matter. I think what we call things and people directly influences how we view them. While I could give you tons of examples of crazy baby names such as Pilot Inspektor, Orangejello, or Sparkle (just look to the celebrities), the most recent name on my hit list is MISCARRIAGE.
Why do they call it that?
Think about it....how many words exist in the English language that begin with the letters mis- and don't have some negative connotation? Mistake. Misunderstanding. Misplace. Misery. The list goes on. Sure it's true that miscarriage is also a less than positive experience, but does it have to be labeled with such a negative and guilt ridden term?
While medical professionals say "spontaneous abortion", the term miscarriage is the more commonly used term by others....and it is my personal belief that it implies blame. The baby was not carried properly, ergo, mis-carriage. And who else can carry a baby but a momma? Unless you're a sea horse of course.
Another of my favorites is "lost"....as in "She lost the baby after only 16 weeks and she says her water broke, too! Can you believe that?!" This term is more comical to me because it implies that one has simply misplaced their child in a crowd, or perhaps left them in the shopping cart in the Walmart parking lot!
The sad thing is, I don't need a simple mis- to make me feel any more to blame than I already do.
I can list a ton of things that worry me and make me feel guilty as if I may have contributed to this somehow. I drank wine before I found out, had xrays on my shoulder, couldn't stomach 3 different kinds of prenatal vitamins, wasn't taking folic acid in advance, stayed sick throwing up for weeks and couldn't keep food down, ran a 5k, did crunches, rode my motorcycle.....yada yada yada. In some ways it makes me feel like I deserve the mis- in miscarriage for being such an unfitting mom-to-be. Maybe I made some mis-take and had my mom card revoked. I have since cried to my husband that I can't grow plants and I can't grow babies. Neither my thumb or uterus are green, apparently.
But the other side of my brain knows better. The logical side of me knows that miscarriage is very common, especially with first pregnancies. The reasonable person in me knows that I did the very best I could to be a healthy mothership once I learned I was not alone in my carnal universe. That's the side of me that ignores insensitive comments following news of the miscarriage like "What's wrong with you?" That's the side that talks me off the ledge and reminds me that lesser people with wayyyyy worse behaviors and health conditions have delivered healthy babies before me, and my case was simply God's plan for something better, maybe something healthier later on.
Or not. Either way, I'm going to leave it up to Him.
I'd still be interested in talking to someone about this misnomer though.....the term miscarriage has got to go. The blame game...or in this case, the blame name does nothing to help the situation.
I've always thought of my miscarriage as a "mountain". I wish the doctor had said "You are approaching a mountain on the journey to reaching the baby you were meant to have" rather than "you are having a miscarriage." Growing a baby is a journey and for some babies it's much, much longer than 9 months. They start growing in your heart and there are mountains in the way along the path. It's a rocky terrain that miscarriage. Makes you stronger and prepares you in some way for the child you will have. For me personally, having a miscarriage made me more grateful and less afraid of pregnancy (with Grace I was hospitalized for morning sickness and was TERRIFIED of a second pregnancy). I had to plow through the guilt as well. I thought for a certainty that there was no one to blame but myself. For my second pregnancy, Grace and I got the flu and had raging fevers. Tommy woke me up every 4 hours so I could take tylenol to help keep the fevers down but I miscarried anyway. During the first few weeks you need your body to stay under a 102 temps so that proteins can synthesize properly in the growing embryo. Malformation can result in miscarriage. I felt responsible. I just stopped eating and beat myself up for what I thought was my killing our child by my putting myself at risk for getting sick. What if I hadn’t visited the nursery at Grace’s preschool? What if I had carried hand santizer or remembered to sanitize the shopping cart? What if that was my chance and I can’t have another child? During the "what if" dark days I lost weight and just wanted to pull the sheets up over my head and stay there for a month or two. It was all part of the Plan. Made me stronger and feel even more bonded to women who have gone through the same. The baby we thought we'd one day hold was worth celebrating and took a while to say good bye to. But, the child that was meant for our family was Benjamin and I know God has enormous plans for him. I wish you healing. Share your story. As far as I'm concerned you're still "with child" but you're still on the rocky road to the promised land:). Our children grow first in our hearts and the twists and turns of life mold us into the moms we will be before we even know we're carrying that baby in our wombs. I'm thinking of you and your family, sweet Lauren. You're not alone! Love, Nicole Bernard
ReplyDeleteYou're so right, Nicole. Thank you for the encouragement. I always enjoy "hearing" from you, even if it's just watching your beautiful family on facebook. They are precious!
DeleteYour blog touches and breaks my heart. You are such a gifted writer. I know, even after I had a blissfully successful pregnancy, there is always something to worry about. I worried that I drank before knowing I was pregnant, I overheated in dang Orlando in july and got dehydrated (right during prime brain building for a fetus), rode a motorcycle, fell right on top of my preg belly, etc. Abby turned out fine. I have a good friend who did everything perfectly amd made it to 24 weeks and miscarried. It's just not in our hands most times. We can't even begin to know why this first one ended so heartbreakingly for you and B. but I pray that one day, something will happen amd you will be able to look back and see God's work through all of it. I've been thinking about you and praying for y'all since Frankie told me you and B were preg and crying and praying the night she called me and said you weren't. Please let me know if there's ever anything I can do!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. It really means a lot, as cliche as it may sound. A baby may not be in the cards for us, but I sure do enjoy living vicariously by hearing and seeing what's going on with sweet Abby. She's beautiful!
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