Monday, July 16, 2012

D-Day

Woke up one morning in a funk and didn't understand why. Didn't want to turn loose of the sheets. Didn't want to leave my husband's side. Didn't want to shower. Had tears well up in my eyes without provocation.

Didn't want to do anything.

Took just a glance at my cell phone to figure out a potential underlying cause.

It was my due date - July 11th.

At the time when the doctor told me what the due date would be, I can recall making jokes with my husband about "7-11" and how we should be concerned that this kid could be open 24 hours like a convenience store, too.

Turns out, my due date turned out to be my very own version of "D-Day". Sure, it's extremely dramatic to compare something so tiny that it's barely a blip on the radar, to something as momentous as history's "D-Day". There are no mass casualties, intense sacrifice, insurmountable pain and loss of friends and heroes associated with my d-day. And there's definitely no need for a monument to memorialize such an event.

But through all of the differences, I have found one undeniable similarity - both days were game changers. The events of June 6, 1944 forever changed the course of WWII and subsequent world history. The landscape of France's coastline is still riddled with scars from battle. And, however small the events of July 11, 2012 were, they have forever changed the course of my life.

It stinks. Not what I had hoped for. Not what I had planned. And it will completely change what I expected to be the landscape of my own life.

But it is what it is.

What I thought would be the beginning of a new chapter in parenting, has in fact become something very different. For me, giving birth is most likely not an option in the traditional sense.

But it might be time for me to "give birth" to something else.

Maybe zucchini in my garden can be a starting point for now???


If that doesn't work, I'm moving on to a mini-cow........my husband just doesn't know it yet. ;)

Friday, July 6, 2012

Why you have to go and make things so complicated?

It should be as simple as a + b = c. But it isn't.

Sitting in my 8th grade algebra class, I can recall staring at the pages of my text book thinking my assignment was easy enough, only to come home that evening and realize while doing my homework that it was much harder than it initially looked.

Our health teachers would have us think that another math problem is simple, as well:
sperm + egg = screaming, pooping, expensive baby in 9 short months

But getting pregnant and having a child hasn't been as easy as they warned. The mechanics of it may be simple for some. In my case, however, none of it has been simple. Becoming a parent is by far the most complicated matter I've dealth with in my 30 years.

Why is it that some of the most basic things in life are so riddled with complication?

The decision to have a child is incredibly complex, or at least it is in my world. As strange as it may seem, I envy people who have such lackadaisical approaches to marriage and family planning. They make it seem as though their "accident" was their intention all along and it's no big deal. While I agree that everything happens for a reason, I prefer to think that my meager influence over my destiny can help make it for the right reason though....whatever "it" might be. 

The old adage of "first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage" may be true for some people. But for me it breaks down to a math problem with a lot of additional variables that make it incredibly difficult for me to solve....even harder than that algebra homework. My problem looks more like this:

love + marriage (+ # of years we've been together - impact on children from husband's 1st marriage + folic acid - serious expense of 2 previous D&C's from miscarriage + unpredictable amount of joy to our lives - cost of daycare - sleep + potential regret) = baby in a baby carriage

Or does it?

I just don't know. I make it a point to remind myself that my life is not in my hands, but instead God's.

But, I sincerely hope He's better at algebra than I am.