What should have been a routine appointment with my OBGYN turned into something else. First, I was scolded for not having visited in the last 2 1/2 years, but then the discussion took a turn I wasn't prepared for. I reported having irregular cycles - every 21 days and lasting 7-9 days to be exact - and severe cramping. This inconvenience had just become the norm for me, but when I reported it to my doctor, he acted like it was more than just a nuisance. He asked about birth control. Nope. Hadn't used it in a couple years. He asked about pregnancies. Nope. Hadn't had that happen either. He asked a series of other questions I can't recall and then mentioned "infertility". That was the first loop on the ride.
All I could think was "WTH??!! I'm only 29! How in the world could my eggs be rotten already?" I had always planned to be a mom someday, I just didn't know when. Did I totally miss the bus?
I went home from that visit with a tiny appointment card for further testing and a big feeling of failure. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I had always worried that I wouldn't be able to conceive children, though I have no idea where or why this thought originated. I'd never really given my uterus the chance to prove its worth because I'd taken birth control for so long in the past.
That evening I went for a run and made the decision that I wasn't going to punish myself or anyone else if having a biological child wasn't in my cards. I'd do the testing, but I wasn't interested in going to any heroic lengths to conceive. I was a bonus mom to two great kids already. And I had the pleasure of watching 500 kids grow each year- I swear I'm not a stalker or pedophile.....just a school counselor. A mom isn't necessarily someone who gives birth, right? I was reminded of a quote that I keep on my desk: "The mark of a true family is not one of blood, but of joy and respect in each other's lives." And it comforted me knowing that regardless of what my ovaries were producing, I was still capable of leaving people, children in particular, feeling welcome, safe and loved whenever they left my presence - and that's what being a mom is all about in my opinion. My own mother perfected the craft. And father. I won the parent lottery.
Fast forward two weeks and I'm going for testing. (Here comes loop #2) Through blood and urine screenings that were apparently of different design than those I did previously, I learn that I'm pregnant. No kidding? Me? The gal with the faulty reproductive system and wonky periods? Me? Are you sure???
Yep. She was sure all right. Apparently the plus sign is all knowing. Turns out, I was almost 5 weeks along and didn't even know. After crying my eyes out due to the impending embarassment I was sure to face from losing a bet and having to call my husband "Super Sperm", the nurse congratulated me with a hug, another tiny appointment card for an ultrasound in two more weeks (that seems to be the magic number doesn't it?), and a big bag of baby paraphernalia. But my favorite souvenir from that visit is a note that she wrote for my husband. Check it out!
Loop #3 came (true to form) two weeks later at my first ultrasound. Having just wrapped my head around the fact that my pipes and his boys were actually compatible, it was a bit of a blow to see that there was no heartbeat. And there should have been. The embryo was measuring nearly 7 weeks in size, and heartbeats are detectible from 5-6 weeks. The poor ultrasound tech didn't want to tell us. She printed off the picture with a forced smile on her face and asked us to wait in the lobby. Then she asked us to follow her downstairs to my OB's office. The whole while - even pre-picture printing - I knew something was wrong and kept insisting as much, but my husband refused to believe. He is typically the cynic among us, so to see his assured positivity could be considered loop #4 - but a good one, of course. He insisted that the tech wouldn't print a picture for us if the pregnancy were not viable. Downstairs, he was proven incorrect. My OB explained that there wasn't a heartbeat, which was not a great sign, and I could expect bleeding and more than likely the need for a D&C. Though he wasn't optimistic, he wasn't giving up 100% on the pregnancy and insisted that another ultrasound be done before the procedure to make sure.
I dreaded that follow up appointment. I was thoroughly convinced that I needed to be braced for bad news - no heartbeat and being shipped off for a painful procedure. Then the little bugger threw me for loop #5 and proved himself to be a member of the family he is entering. This human apparently does things only when he gets darn well good and ready.Within seconds of appearing on the screen, the flutter of a heartbeat was as plain as day. We could even see the spine!
It's a good thing, too. He (or she) is going to need a steady beat and solid backbone to survive the four of us.
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