Monday, February 25, 2013

How low can you go?

I have not yet fulfilled all of the stereotypes of pregnant women. I haven't sent the hubs out on midnight runs for food...or any other time of day for that matter. I've not blown a gasket and cursed anyone out. I've not burst into tears at random and been unable to talk off of the ledge.

But I have reached some serious lows.

I've broken some rules of etiquette that are not really spoken aloud, but instead understood. Some basic social mores have been disregarded.

For instance, I've recently begun reducing the amount of dishes/utensils I use to eat. I'm not eating with my fingers (yet), but I've eliminated the need for a bowl in a couple of scenarios.

Canned fruit......Insert fork. Enjoy.



Or cereal.....who needs a bowl and spoon? When you're at the tail end of a box of cereal, remove the bag, pour 1/2 a mouthful of cereal into your gullet straight from the bag, chase with a small bit of milk, chew, swallow and voila! Breakfast of champions (and lazy bachelors I hear)!


Want a good bit of something, but feel greedy saying the exact amount out loud? Just waddle to the cashier/waitress, rub your belly a little and watch as your vague and seemingly benign request for "several of/a handful of/extra" turns into a delivery of excess. Check out what McDonald's did to my decaf coffee when I asked for extra cream and sugar!


That was an exciting morning, to say the least :)

Also inspired by McDonald's, I've discovered that pouring your fries straight into the bag makes it so much easier to eat without spilling as you drive down the road.


Lately, my dignity has taken a serious nose dive. Where I previously wouldn't be so willing to burp out loud, it seems difficult to contain at times...even slipping out while I speak. It was embarassing at first, but I've grown accustomed to it, and it seems the hubs and my coworkers have, as well. They don't even react when I burp midsentence and continue on with my thought without skipping a beat.

In the past, I would have taken a moment's pause to consider my audience and surroundings before scratching, but now, not so much. If it itches, I scratch it.

My threshold for embarassment has certainly changed, too. In a past life, I wouldn't be caught dead blowing my nose in public. But that happens all the time now - because my nose runs all the dadgum time! I've also taken to sticking tampons up my nose to stop nosebleeds....even sporting them (without the strings, of course) at work or while driving down the road.  


Nice walrus look, huh?


It looks crazy, I know. But they work! They're super absorbent!

Though I've claimed to not have any bizarre cravings, it can't be said that I've not tried some gross/weird things that I wouldn't have considered otherwise. In my defense, these aren't things that I dreamed of or craved ahead of time...I merely stumbled upon them and seized the opportunity, so to speak.

I can now recommend fritos with whipped cream. During Christmas dinner my corn chips got doused with whipped cream when my dessert toppled over onto them. Rather than looking at them in disgust, I figured "Meh.....why not?"

Turns out, they're pretty tasty!

I can also confirm that the floating clumps of yellow in the top of the chicken noodle can are quite delicious. While I was sick, I opted for a home remedy in addition to gargling warm salt water - chicken soup. As I opened the can of Campbell's, I noticed the little bits of liquid gold and surprisingly wasn't repulsed by them as I would have been in the past. Instead, I was intrigued. 



Turns out, those fatty floaters are pretty tasty, too.

I have not resorted to sucking the jelly off the top of vienna sausages yet.

But come to think of it, that sounds pretty appealing, too.


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