In the moments when I'm first still after moving, I feel like I've just finished running a marathon.
Trust me. I've run nowhere. Not even after the ice cream truck. But a pushpop sure sounds tasty right about now!
My doctor has ix-nayed exercise in effort to preserve my cervix and keep the youngins' on the inside as long as possible. I told myself I'd at least do the preggo yoga DVD that the hubs bought me - surely it could help with my flexibility and strength without overexerting me, right? But I haven't. In truth, I haven't done a thing. Nada. Zilch.
Climbing into bed takes me a couple minutes to hike my leg, strategically place it and pull my body weight onto the mattress. Lying down and getting the sheet and comforter to actually cover my growing surface area is an act that has to resemble that of hamsters digging frantically in the corner of their cage to find safety and comfort beneath the bedding. Rolling out of bed literally requires a barrel roll and prayer that I land on my feet on the floor and not on one of my snoozing dogs. Sitting up from a reclined position is completely out of the question - my core muscles are stretched and feel completely destroyed already. Sitting down on the toilet to pee 10+ times each night occupies a good hour of my time that I would prefer to be sleeping. Then I spend at least twice that amount of time trying to recover my breath and resting heart rate in order to fall back asleep. Getting up from the toilet is a serious chore in which I stretch my arms out in front of me to brace my fall should my new front hump's center of gravity finally force me over the edge. Public restrooms are a personal challenge as I race to cover the toilet in paper so that I can sit - dangling and relying on balance and strength in my quads is risky business.
Just had a thought! Think I could actually sleep on the toilet??? That would cut out a lot of travel time, and possibly eliminate the cramps I get in my hips from sleeping on my side. Apparently no other position is acceptable to the two hooligans in my belly - stomach is not an option and back seems to incite an internal soccer game against my ribcage.
I was able to sleep on the toilet as a toddler during potty training. Why not now?
I'm exhausted after walking from my car to my office - it might be 100 yards total. I'm out of breath when I get my clothes on. And I'm sweating after I get my shoes on my feet. Which reminds me......with all of these changes coming on so rapidly, it goes without saying that my routines and figure are not what they once were.
What is perhaps most disturbing at this moment is the fact that I have discovered Bigfoot.
And it's a chick. A pregnant one.
She lives in Salem, Alabama.
She's not (quite) as furry as the Sasquatch drawings we've seen over the years, but give it a few weeks. The fur is still developing.
She's not haunting the woods despite what most believe - that would be too much exertion for her. She dwells in a modest 4BR/2BA brick home.
It's true that Bigfoot is a scavenger...eating any and everything she can get her hands on. But she shows a preference to fruit - not so much sticks and leaves. Never say never though.
If you haven't guessed already, I am Bigfoot.
My feet stay swollen and they are huge! It is incredibly uncomfortable for a gal like me who can't even stand feeling the toe seam in my socks. Wiggling my toes is impossible because they stay squished in my shoes most of the day - they look like vienna sausages shoved in the little tin can. They are fat and squished no matter what time of day it is, but especially in the evening - regardless of the amount of time I spend standing or sitting or walking. Getting socks and shoes off is the equivalent of peeling a wet bathing suit off skin, and often requires the hubs' assistance. I no longer have ankles - in their place are the bottoms of my calves (or cankles), complete with bright blue veins and a few new purple busted blood vessels. Oh joy.
My sisters have all warned me that a change in shoe size is to be expected along with a change in my pant size. And boy if they're not right!
So far I'm all belly and all feet. I've not seen enlarging in other areas yet. Hopefully I didn't jinx myself by saying that aloud.
As uncomfortable as the big feet are, I'm thankful they're not furry, too. No offense meant to Hobbits.
Seems the fur is sticking to my abdomen and chin for now.
If I can't get a circus side show act for resembling Bigfoot, perhaps they'll consider me for the part of the bearded lady!?
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